5 years ago I remember thinking “Don’t get pregnant! You want to be able to enjoy your bachelorette party, wedding, honeymoon, etc.” Little did I know that our road to getting pregnant was not going to be easy and on the contrary, it would be full of heartache. Our wedding came and went, we decided that we wouldn’t ‘try’ but we wouldn’t prevent it either. 3 years came and went and nothing, not even a scare. We decided to put our name on the waiting list for infertility. We needed answers. Well, that’s really where it began…
This is going to be an overshare…it was Labor Day weekend 2017 and Aunt Flo decided to join me in the weekend festivities. However it only lasted two days. I was thrilled. Only two days and it was light! What a record. Well, two days later I started to bleed again and felt sharp shooting pains throughout my stomach. I have a high tolerance for pain but man this pain was unreal. I remember my coworker coming into my office and telling me I looked green and offered to take me to the ER. Being the martyr that I am, I played it tough and said I was fine and hopped on my carpool. My carpool buddies didn’t buy the ‘I’m fine’ routine and called my husband. When I got home, he had the car ready to go to Urgent Care. We got to the Urgent Care and as I was explaining my symptoms to the Dr, she blurted our ‘You’re pregnant!’ My husband and I instantly started to cry and questioned her over and over again, to the point where she asked us if we didn’t want this news. YES! This is what we have been praying for. My mind quickly jumped to panick-mode. Am I having a miscarriage? The Dr assured me I was fine and what I was experiencing was normal. Well, the bleeding didn’t stop and got worse. We ended up back at the hospital, but this time it was the ER. The ER doctor came in and told me I was having a miscarriage. He said he wanted to monitor my HCG levels to make sure they were going down. Two days later, I took a blood test and my HCG levels didn’t go down, they went up and didn’t just go up, they doubled! What the heck is happening? The Doctor called me and told me that I’m likely not having a ‘normal’ pregnancy but she wanted to monitor my levels. Two days later, my levels went up, but barely. Affirming that I was truly having an abnormal pregnancy. She explained it as an ‘Ectopic Pregnancy’ in which I obviously had a what the heck does that mean moment. Basically the embryo implanted in the wrong place, likely my tube, but nothing was coming up on the ultrasound, so they couldn’t figure out where. She gave me two options- exploratory surgery, where they would likely remove a Fallopian tube, or a chemotherapy drug called methotrexate. Frankly, I didn’t know what to do, I’m not a doctor, I’ve never been pregnant before. So, I asked my doctor for her recommendation. She suggested the methotrexate option, especially because we want to have kids. So there I went, first round of methotrexate, two shots, one to each hip. My levels went down, but not enough. Plus during the ultrasound they found a large cyst on one of my ovaries. The doctor said I needed a second round of methotrexate. Ugh. The after effects of that drug are not the business. Feels like you are sucking on pennies. No joke. But, I did it. With no complaints. By this time, I’m at around 14 weeks of this emotional rollercoaster. So I go get tested and my HCG levels are now below what is considered pregnant. The methotrexate worked! Hallelujah, no more doctor visits, I can resume my normal life. Or so I thought…
My husband and I got up, decided to get some donuts and coffee. I am OCD and the blinds in our apartment were just bothering me, so we made our way to Lowe’s to get some new blinds. We got back to our apartment and I decided to hang the new blinds. As I was reaching up to get the blinds down, I felt the most excruciating pain in my stomach. I literally had to look down to see if someone broke into our apartment and stabbed me in the stomach. I collapsed on the floor, sobbing and in so much pain that I couldn’t even speak. My husband was on the phone with my mom and she told him to immediately take me to the ER. Oh, did I mention it was Friday the 13th? I’m not superstitious typically but let’s just say the ER was full of ‘interesting’ people (trying to remain PC here). I explained my symptoms and they told me it was going to be a 4 hour wait. We sat there for a couple hours and I vividly remember the room, there was this man that kept yelling out profanities and screaming at the top of his lungs, there was a lady sitting across me sobbing and holding her stomach. I just couldn’t take it anymore, my symptoms started to subside, so I told my husband that we could leave. He gladly obliged. We got home and I laid in bed, but increasingly found it harder and harder to breath. My husband walked in and handed me the phone. It was the ER doctor. He said that they had called my name and that he couldn’t force me to come back but he was highly encouraging it. We hung up and I told my husband that I was having a hard time breathing and I think we needed to go back. I told him that this time I will play down my symptoms so we could be seen faster by an urgent care doctor.
We got to urgent care, I did just that and within five minutes we were seeing a doctor. I told her everything that happened, what I was feeling and she told me that methotrexate can sometimes do that. It’s just a side effect and I’ll be fine. I kind of felt stupid, my husband is just looking at me like really, Leslie, we wasted our whole day in crazy town. The dr said that she would still like to confirm with the OB-GYN on call and would be back with me shortly. She came back and said the OB needed me to get an ultrasound stat and to get some labs done. Some labs, ha! I had several viles of blood taken, she just kept pulling a vile out and adding a new one. I remember thinking, this is a lot just for some ‘side effects’. As we waited to get the ultrasound, my labs came back and my white blood count was through the roof. Not knowing what that means, I did what you should never do, Google! Well, it was signs of an infection. My husband at this point was beyond annoyed, I told him that I was fine and he could go home, I will just take an Uber. He obviously wasn’t going to do that, and I got called into the room to get an ultrasound. As I laid down on the table, I felt like someone was sitting on my chest, I couldn’t breath. I told the technician that I needed a break. She told me to sit up and we started doing breathing techniques together. She then told me that she could see why I was having a hard time breathing and told me that she no longer wanted me to walk (I was thinking that it was a dramatic response). She called an EMT and told him to immediately take me to a room in the ER. I told her my husband was outside waiting for me and she told me not to worry, she will get him and bring him back. I assured her I was fine to walk but she started dropping legalize on me and said she couldn’t allow me to walk after what she saw. What she saw? What is happening? I thought I was just having side effects?
My husband joins me in the room, his face is pale. I could tell he was worried and also felt guilty for how he was acting earlier. The ER dr immediately came in and told me that something had ruptured in my stomach and I had internal bleeding. He said the OB-GYN is on her way and I would be having emergency surgery that night. What the heck.
Long story short, my left fallopian tube had ruptured due to the embryo implanting and growing. I had one liter of blood in my abdomen. The doctor explained what had happened to my husband and that it was good I came in. If I would have stayed home, I would have likely not woken up. Yikes. That’s dark!
A few weeks later I had my post-op appointment. She encouraged us to try again and that everything else looked fine. I guess it just was a fluke? So we tried again. 
In May 2018, Mothers Day weekend, I wasn’t feeling so hot. For some reason I was compelled to take a pregnancy test and to my surprise it was positive. Unfortunately, I was just worried. I mean, what if it happened again? I can’t go through that twice! Well, luckily it didn’t happen again, but I did have a miscarriage. The pain of losing another baby just broke me. I can’t explain it. I slapped a smile on my face, acted brave but on the inside I just felt miserable. I felt alone. I felt guilty. I was constantly holding back tears. So I decided to pour myself and emotions into something positive and out came my passion for home decor. When I was feeling sad, a new project was born. Luckily for me, we just bought a house and it was new construction, so I had a clean slate to work from.
This helped a lot, but I would find myself randomly crying or getting overly emotional about things that truly didn’t matter. I will be real- I don’t think I’ll ever get over the losses.
Fast forward to August 2018…pregnant AGAIN! How is it that after years of trying, BOOM, pregnant three times in less than a year. I started to bleed, my HCG levels were again a rollercoaster- up, down, up, down. They determined it was another ectopic and started me right away on methotrexate. However, my bleeding didn’t stop, it got worse and heavier. My doctor instructed me to go straight to the ER. This time I didn’t mess around, I went and we were staying until I got answers. The same technician that did my ultrasound before did it again. I remember her telling me that I still had options, IVF being an option. I knew right away that it wasn’t good. The Dr came in and told me they spotted a mass in my right Fallopian tube and they would be taking me immediately to surgery. Two hours later, I was out of surgery and they were able to save my right tube. Hallelujah! Thank you God!
Months later we started going to acupuncture. The acupuncturist told me that I had endometriosis and that is likely what caused my ectopic pregnancies as well as my painful periods. Months of going to him and I felt so much better. We then decided it was time to go back to infertility.
We met with Dr. Fong and she told me that likely my right tube is blocked and that I should just consider it as I got my tubes tied. She said IVF would be my only option. However, she said that my coverage is really good, so I might as well get some tests done to confirm her hypothesis. A couple weeks later I was laying on a table in the hospital and they were shooting blue dye up my Fallopian tube. They had me watching the screen as they were doing it. Frankly I had no idea what I was even looking at. I felt like Rachel on Friends, when she couldn’t find her baby on the ultrasound! The dr came around and told me they were finished and that my tube was clear! It was open! OMG, seriously? She said that we should try IUI before IVF. Music to my ears. I called my husband crying, sharing with him the amazing news. My nephew was in the car and subsequently we had to give him a mini briefing on how babies are born. Oops! Sorry sister!
Fast forward, after two failed IUI’s the doctor had a ‘come to Jesus’ talk with me. She said that we are just doing this IUI thing for peace of mind, to say we did everything before IVF. She was frank and told me that it wasn’t going to work and if it did, it would end up being an ectopic. Ugh. Like a knife to my heart. All those feelings of guilt, being alone, etc. surfaced again. She looked at me and told me that she is with me if I wanted to try one more time- miracles happen. I was numb at that point, told her okay, let’s do it and left her office to go fill my meds. As I was standing in line, I was fighting back tears but they kept flowing anyhow. I got to the front of the line, only to learn they don’t fill that type of medication. I would have to wait 30 mins for the other pharmacy to open. I sat on a bench and just sobbed. What am I doing to myself? Why am I putting myself through this?
I called my husband and told him I left without my meds. I’m not going to do this again and we need to consider IVF. I then called my mom. My poor mom, must be hard to have to watch your daughter go through this and not be able to do anything. Little does she know, she has done more for me than I can ever put into words. I cried to my mom, uncontrollably. I just couldn’t hold it in any longer. She talked to my dad and they told us to get an IVF consult, so we quickly set that up. I emailed my doctor and told her we were considering IVF and asked her to provide some recommendations. She told me she works for this clinic as a part of Kaiser. She could remain my doctor. I trust her, I was thrilled. Plus they give Kaiser patients a discount. Win win! We had our consult. Wow, what a crazy process. We are in!
October 4, 2019, we started IVF. Day 9 of shots and I’m bruised, full of hives and hormonal, but most importantly, I’m hopeful.
Letters to my Future Kiddos 